Online Dating Commericals Lie

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Ok, no joke. I seriously feel this way. If you have ever tried online dating I can almost guarantee 99% of you feel the same way.

1. I have yet to find anyone who believes they are 3 times as likely to start a relationship because they are on an online dating site.Truth time! I joined a few online dating sites back in 2012.  I decided I needed to make the plunge to meet more men on December 31, 2011. Yes, I was sober. I ended up signing up for chemistry.com. Overall, I did not find this to be a bad site per say, I even went on one decent date, but it is a new site and most of the people I was matching up with did not seem like my type. Yes, I was judging the book based on its cover. So what! I am paying for this so I think the judging is justified. Because I wasnt seeing the results I wanted, I decided to join match.com thinking this is more mainstream. Talk about a let down, which brings me to point #2……

2. I have found online dating to bring down self-esteem!!! First off, I think it is an AWFUL, AWFUL thing to see who has read your email, looked at your profile as this only drives me more insane. Maybe it is because I am a woman and naturally a bit crazy, but this really sucks!! Clearly, I get matches, I check people out and email then based on who I find attractive and think I have something in common with. I sent over 100 emails in 6 months. Not one response. Seriously, who the hell are these men? I understand I was not going to get 100 responses back, but not even one???? (For the record, I am not exaggerating, not one response). I started thinking maybe it’s because none of these guys think I am attractive, maybe I am not thin enough for them, maybe I do not sound like I am interesting enough in my profile. And why have none of these guys who have looked at my profile reached out to me?  Now I have just made you all crazy thinking about this! But these were my everyday thoughts. I would come home, open my laptop and view my new matches every day thinking maybe I wasn’t putting myself out there enough or not investing enough time. Pretty soon I was super depressed and left feeling undatable.  I also know I drove my friends crazy. I wanted their opinion on everything because maybe I was missing something. To my girlfriends: did I sound too bitchy? did I sound too girly? To my guy friends: would they be interested in my profile if they were on match? Did I sound too bitchy? Did I sound too girly?  By the end of the 6 months, I was literally depressed and only wanting to drink my evenings way.

3. I never looked as happy as these people in these commercial who are on an “actual match.com date“– Who are these people? I seriously want to know everything about them…. Where do they live? How old are they? Did they go through a bad divorce? Have they just been so focused on their career they are just happy to be in a bar?   I went on 2 date in 6 months on match.com. My first date was with a man we will call Bojangles.  Bojangles had that profile that sounded normal, but had really bad pictures- small, blurry, weird angle. So naturally I was skeptical about going out with him- in case you missed it earlier, I am judging the book by the cover.  But I made plans with Bojangles nonetheless.

What you need to know about my date with Bojangles:

1. He went to the wrong bar. Then tried to convince me I was at the wrong bar. Sorry, BoJangles, I am under a sign that says Bridge House, the bar we agreed to meet at.

2. He was very, very eager. Wanted to meet up at 4:30pm, downtown, during the week. Sorry, Bojangles, I work until 6pm. Thank you for forgetting to ask that small detail though.

3. Way to say you are 5’10” but are really more like 5’6″.  PS. I like to wear high heels and prefer my date/boyfriend to be taller than me when I am in heels. doesn’t have to be by much, but I like the secure feeling I have when I am with something that I believe can protect me.

He was nice, and I was convinced by friends that maybe I was being too harsh and judgemental, and needed to give it a second go. So I did.

What you need to know about date #2:

1. Bojangles calls for the second date. (I was napping so I decided to call him back).  I call him back and he answering the phone, in an Asian voice, “Hello, Mr. Wan Chop Suey” then giggles like he is the funniest person on the face of the earth.

2. He wants to come closer to my house to meet up. Don’t think so buddy. I wasn’t born yesterday. I can’t imagine kissing you, let alone sleeping with you… but maybe a second date will change my mind, so I suggested a place in Lincoln Park. Close enough, yet far enough away.  (He lives in the West Loop area and I lived in Lakeview at the time).

3. We decide to go to Cafe Ba Ba Reeba. He seems to love this place and I enjoy it as well. I get to the restaurant and I park my car. I am paying for the meter and he starts honking his horn and waving to me like he has never seen anyone he knew on the street before. Weird. Then says he has a present for me and basically throws flowers in my face.  ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  DISCLAIMER: My thoughts on flowers in a restaurant. Don’t do it. Bring me flowers to my house. Not to a restaurant where we are sharing small plates and sitting at a table for 2.  (the flowers were star-gazer lilies to top it off, which in case you don’t know, give off a lot of pollen)

4. He has been to Cafe Ba Ba Reeba once…5 years ago. Fine, no biggie. However when it came to ordering multiple plates as it is tapas style, that man had no opinion. “Order whatever you like and I am sure I will like it too” Ugh, how about you just have an opinion. We are order 6 to 8 plates and you don’t see one thing you must have? The man could have had a shellfish allergy but would have eaten it just because I ordered it.  Now, while some women may want to always be in control- I DONT! I like my independence but I want to feel like I am with a MAN, not a little boy whose hand I have to hold because you have no opinion- on anything.

5. The best part…. I have a dog and a cat, but at the time I think I just had Howie (my Shih Tzu). In either case, I mention his name and Bojangles breaks out with a little jig. He proceeded to bounce his one shoulder up and down, while in some sort of squeaky voice I can only imitate in person, said “Mr. Bojangles, oh,  Mr. Bojangles”  Now, he is referring to Bill Robinson and Shirley Temple, is he referring to Bill Robinson’s dance moves, is he referring to the song Mr. Bojangles or is he referring to the mouse in The Green Mile?  Not sure, Bojangles himself knew what he was talking about so clearly the very confused and strange look I had didn’t help the situation.  Still have no idea what he meant…..

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Needless to say, I used the old excuse “oh, I have to work early tomorrow” line and B Lined out of there as soon as I could. Bojangles did not pick up on my lack on enthusiasm, or eye rolls as he still went in for the goodbye kiss. Boy did I dodge that one just like how Howie tries to dodge bath time-  you know, the old “run to a corner, close my eyes and hopes he forgets I am there” trick.

Lesson learned: Go with your gut and screw what others tell you! I knew I was just not that into Bojangles but felt like I needed to prove to some of my friends that I was really trying to date. Turns out you just need one date with someone to prove you are dating.

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